ONE MOTHER'S DAY AT A TIME,2 weeks later

This week, two weeks later, my mood swings back down, mostly due to sleep/prozac issues and concerns about the children and my husband. I try to keep a perspective of what is happening in my outer life.


 Some significant answered prayer is surfacing. It has been a big week. My husband and I have made an important breakthrough in counseling and I know this is what the Holy Spirit is doing for us.


 I must not get discouraged and let my moods indicate and dictate anything to my inner life. But here is what is happenning in my inner life. As my higher thoughts take a plunge into the junk pile of old stinking thinking, so does my brain sink into old cravings for junk foods.


 As my appetite waxes, my energy wanes. I cannot seem to exercise asI did the first week. Symptoms of atypical (typical for me) depression, the kind that makes one fat and lazy, creeps back into my daily life and settles in my soul, stubborn as the neighbor's cat. I hate this cat. I try to whisper it away gently, tease it wildly, but it sits still like a buddha, patient,..and brooding. Scat...Hiss...Screech! Someone, help stop the scratching and tearing at my screen. Help me, please! I try the phone. Is anyone home? No one answers. I try to reach my prayer partner, but even she has traveled out of range. Pull...ease.., help me understand and change this negative pattern that is so familiar to me! 


Well, thank You! Today I have some quiet time at home after a strange and busy weekend. I note that, in spite of my discouraging inner life, in the real and outside world, several important changes have been made, thanks to prayer and working of the Holy Spirit. 


 Thankfully, God is not at the mercy of my moods. No. His Mercy is not dependent on moods. Like all of us critters, who mirror Him, He is passionate and feeling. Thankfully, unlike so many of us, He is not governed by moods, staying faithful and consistent, always clear, always creative, always productive, always life-giving.

During this time, since the mother's day retreat, He has been busy routing evil weeds and rooting good seeds. I see evidence of His footprints in my garden. I note the following clues: 1.My husband and I are communicating in a more healthy, loving way 2.Even when I was in a funk, I did not sulk around him, bringing him down from his ridiculous good moods. 3.I completed a challenging letter to each on of our adult children and shared them with my husband, collaborting instead of arguing. 


 Still this weekend I am nagging myself about my loss of motivation. I have been eating too much white bread and cheese, especially cheese from which I am told to abstain. I still have had no energy to exercise or get to the store to shop for healthy foods, which are quickly losing their attraction. I am (feeling)? fat and sort of hopeless. I have avoided washing my hair for days. I am sinking slowly, body and soul. You would think all the good news I noted would usher me out of this funk, but ............no, it's not like that. When everyone around me seems annoyingly upbeat and happy, this is how I know I am depressed...mildly, but depressed. Please help me out of this quagmire. Your child is sinking in quicksand!!! I am reaching for Your heavenly hand today.

ONE MOTHER'S DAY AT A TIME, One week later

After coming home, I was truly renewed and could not stop focusing on God and His instructions throughout the day. I spent my days walking , working out as instructed, and staying joyfully in His presence, whatever the circumstance. My usual thought pattern, obsessing over the children, was being replaced with a sense of peaceful Presence. I was in a continuous loving conversation with Him. No depression, only motivation and peace. I said several rosaries and lovingly attended Mass at Poor Clares every morning, and had rich devotional times in the early hours. I walked in the evening with my new best friend, the Rosary.. (I had never in all my life as a Catholic wanted much to do with the Rosary, not once. It was just too old school for me, or so I thought)

Leading up to Mother's Day, my time in the kitchen was notably spotty. But this week,I cooked wonderful healthy meals for myself and my husband. I even delighted him with a handwritten restaurant menu on our rooster chalkboard. I loved hearing him laugh his hearty laugh when he saw the formal menu. So unlike me. I did what I was guided to do…without any struggle. I ate more healthy foods and was satisfied with less. I had great energy. As my husband could sense, my tank had been filled,..with Premium. Martha, after sitting at Jesus' feet like Mary, was now equipped to better serve her household,..gourmet meals at that.

Whenever I started into a mystery of the Rosary, a familiar and exquisite peace would draw me in. I could not wait to read more about the inner healing in the Rosary. It meant so much more to me to pray the Rosary now. I had not had any experience of its power over me before this time away. A few days later, I had misplace the Rosary book and was frustrated by its loss,..at first.

A few more days flew by, when I finally came across the little book wedged between seats in my car, but my desire had cooled, and I no longer desired to read it . I am wondering what had happened to quench my thirst for grace? Was is not the real thing?. No, it was, it is real. As Brother Lawrence explains in his book, this does happen for various reasons, and when it does, one is not to get anxious, but get right back into the conversation, asking Him for His Presence, and just talking to Him about how it is.

ONE MOTHER'S DAY AT A TIME, The Retreat

Am I dreaming??? Look at me.. I am Goldilocks savoring tastes at the Three Bears’ family table, sipping from each of their sacred bowls, sitting crosslegged on their empty chairs.. …It's so quiet here, …somehow I sense that I am not alone, but at home with real family….shalooooooooooooooooommmmm.. 


  That first day, all I did was listen ..to Brother Lawrence on my iphone. Every word was bread and wine to my happy soul.. I attended Mass at little country parish on Monday morning. My closest friend who lived nearby joined me in the afternoon. Together, we listened to his words and delighted in what the Holy Spirit was doing in both of our hearts and minds.

As she left for home, I thought it seemed like I should go home too, yet I felt a tug to stay, that the Spirit had some more to say.. I decided at the last moment ..to stay another night. Here is why.. Later that afternoon after a massage, I was given special instructions about changing my daily schedule, and how to change my habit of anxious thinking. I needed to write down a wrap up of what I had learned from my time alone with God. I had four pages of notes. 


 The next morning, I arose early and met my prayer partner at the Carmelite Chapel on the way to Big Sur. The Mass spoke to both of us again about abiding in the Presence, as if the Holy Spirit was speaking in one voice, through Brother Lawrence and now through the priest at Mass. Obviously,He was sticking to His theme, exhorting us to practice moment by moment living with this unbroken sense of His Living Presence. 


 On returning to my room, we had a late breakfast on the small garden patio, setting the table with napkins and a red rose. In this session, we talked about the “directions” I had been given, reviewing in detail what notes I had written. We pledged that I would stick with this new path and that my friend would hold me to it. I felt supported. 


 Then we shared about the mysteries of the Rosary from the book, The Rosary and Inner Healing. It was obvious Mary was calling us to her side with this book. The mysteries became alive in a rich and relevant way. We had an appetite for the Rosary and could not wait to start a contemplative prayer time with the mysteries. 


This was what the Holy Spirt and Mary had on my agenda, thus nudging me to stay this extra day. Now I knew it was time to go. I was ready and felt peaceful and strong. I packed my bags for soon I would be home,..unpacking.

ONE MOTHER'S DAY AT A TIME, The Beginning

Rest, ..and Be Holy! I am back in ordinary time. Today I cannot even remember quite how it felt. All those stellar thoughts I could not wait to write about..are just not here anymore. Were they inspired by the Holy Spirt or a shot too many of caffeine, some cyclothymic high, relief from family issues or was it just plain sunshine, good wine and friendship that fueled me on my solo Mothers day retreat? Or could this be is just what happens when anxious mothers take a break from mothering. 


Mother's day loomed ahead. But this time I did not have the energy to be fixing family, and fancy food for others who felt obliged to honor this all-American Hallmark feast. How sacriligeous to not care to be the perfect mother on Mother's Day! Yet, I would not gear up for it somehow. I could not because I was exhausted from wrestling with depression and anxiety, stubborn demons that may only leave with prayer..and fasting. I needed such time for prayer, and certainly a kind of fasting, fasting from my full plate of worries and responsibilities. I needed to get away and allow Someone to feed me a pure and simple diet. The better portion! I needed cleansing.


Suddenly, I saw an opportunity . Yes! I would go away for Mothers’ Day.. a retreat, by myself. I could not believe I would allow myself to do exactly what I needed and wanted. I felt a lift of spirit which I hadn't for a while. In secret, the Retreat Master had planned this getaway for me and had already prepared a place and all the details to make it happen. All I had to do was say yes,.. and make some calls. His plan for me was to take stuff for an overnight including just three things, my Bible, my Rosary, and Brother Lawrence’s Practicing the Presence. I packed very lightly and went ahead, with the blessing of my husband and children. I booked a massage, a room at a nearby lodge, and a visit with my closest friend and spiritual director. Eat, drink, rest, and be holy, the secret inscription on my soul read, for you are invited to taste, and see that I am …wholly delicious .