Saturday, July 18, 2009

ONE MOTHER'S DAY AT A TIME,2 weeks later

This week, two weeks later, my mood swings back down, mostly due to sleep/prozac issues and concerns about the children and my husband. I try to keep a perspective of what is happening in my outer life.

 Some significant answered prayer is surfacing. It has been a big week. My husband and I have made an important breakthrough in counseling and I know this is what the Holy Spirit is doing for us.

 I must not get discouraged and let my moods indicate and dictate anything to my inner life. But here is what is happenning in my inner life. As my higher thoughts take a plunge into the junk pile of old stinking thinking, so does my brain sink into old cravings for junk foods.

 As my appetite waxes, my energy wanes. I cannot seem to exercise asI did the first week. Symptoms of atypical (typical for me) depression, the kind that makes one fat and lazy, creeps back into my daily life and settles in my soul, stubborn as the neighbor's cat. I hate this cat. I try to whisper it away gently, tease it wildly, but it sits still like a buddha, patient,..and brooding. Scat...Hiss...Screech! Someone, help stop the scratching and tearing at my screen. Help me, please! I try the phone. Is anyone home? No one answers. I try to reach my prayer partner, but even she has traveled out of range. Pull...ease.., help me understand and change this negative pattern that is so familiar to me! 

Well, thank You! Today I have some quiet time at home after a strange and busy weekend. I note that, in spite of my discouraging inner life, in the real and outside world, several important changes have been made, thanks to prayer and working of the Holy Spirit. 

 Thankfully, God is not at the mercy of my moods. No. His Mercy is not dependent on moods. Like all of us critters, who mirror Him, He is passionate and feeling. Thankfully, unlike so many of us, He is not governed by moods, staying faithful and consistent, always clear, always creative, always productive, always life-giving.

During this time, since the mother's day retreat, He has been busy routing evil weeds and rooting good seeds. I see evidence of His footprints in my garden. I note the following clues: 1.My husband and I are communicating in a more healthy, loving way 2.Even when I was in a funk, I did not sulk around him, bringing him down from his ridiculous good moods. 3.I completed a challenging letter to each on of our adult children and shared them with my husband, collaborting instead of arguing. 

 Still this weekend I am nagging myself about my loss of motivation. I have been eating too much white bread and cheese, especially cheese from which I am told to abstain. I still have had no energy to exercise or get to the store to shop for healthy foods, which are quickly losing their attraction. I am (feeling)? fat and sort of hopeless. I have avoided washing my hair for days. I am sinking slowly, body and soul. You would think all the good news I noted would usher me out of this funk, but, it's not like that. When everyone around me seems annoyingly upbeat and happy, this is how I know I am depressed...mildly, but depressed. Please help me out of this quagmire. Your child is sinking in quicksand!!! I am reaching for Your heavenly hand today.