Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Hold da applause!

Thanks for checking in occasionally, any readers that are still out there. When I first started blogging, I did some research on what makes a blog work. The number one requirement was..duh!..keeping up the writing - at least one or two times a week.  I tried to do that and it worked. I was so happy to have so many readers keeping me company.  But recently, something happened.  It was such a big thing that I did not even have time to reflect. I usually organize my life, fortunately for me,  to have regular time to reflect deeply and often. 

The events of the last few weeks have left me with a heart-and- headwrenching loss for words.  From one day to the next, I did not know what to expect and was left off balance so often. All my efforts were focused on changing old patterns of thinking in order to learn what works in new challenges.

Today is the first day I have felt the energy to continue writing. All I can really say is ThankYou all for your loyal prayers because things really are starting to look up.  However, as my son texted today when I congratulated him on his progress,  Mom, hold da applause!  But not the prayers!  We are at step one, but step one in the right direction. 

He has made a life-changing turnaround, which although it seemed like it took forever - ten years or so - when God answers prayer, it seems like the good news comes suddenly, unexpectedly.  Details may be forthcoming..or not.  I am just checking in today so you don't go away.

Through all this, I have learned some new things that many of you may already know:

I have learned that nightmares do sometimes come true,..and yet that God never loses sight of His dreams for us and keeps His eye keenly on the goal, even when we cannot see the way.  

I have learned that letting go, or being detached is much more demanding than I ever thought possible. It calls for every thought, every fear, every effort to prevent or protect, to be put away, really put away.   It feels like risking all I trust of my own power.   But it can be done and must be done for God to have His way.

 Mothers are the hardest to get out of the way because we are trained warriors, always vigilant for what best protects our young. We are willing to take the bullet for our children, but the bullet may be just the crippling blow one needs to be stopped in his tracks..and turned around. (Recalling Jacob's ladder, sometimes the bullet is delivered by an Angel)

I have learned that lots of things, most things, i.e. how others live, even our most loved ones, are not any of our business really.  Our business is to love and pray and live our own lives uncompromisingly.  Let them live theirs, however wrong it may seem to us at the time. We simply do not have the whole picture, but Someone who cares even more than any mother does, knows everything.  Nothing goes unnoticed or uncared for, day by day, moment by moment. 

I have learned that it takes guts to let loved ones suffer without rescuing and that rescuing does not really rescue any one but our own anxious thoughts, which are not always in line  with reality. We have only our very feint and subjective view, as if we see through a keyhole of limited knowledge and from a narrowly skewed point of view.

I have learned that other adults are capable of making their own choices and facing their own consequences, from which they cannot be prevented. They are the natural consequences that are part of a plan that we do not usually accept or understand. Things can get pretty awful and there is nothing we can do to cause, control, or cure some of other's ills. 

I cannot even address my own ills without full surrender to God's Almighty healing as a first, middle, and last step.

 I am learning this by  accepting the inevitable - with all the help of your prayers and the support of others who have practiced serenity inspite of  challenges much more difficult than I have  had.

Every week I meet with others who are doing impossible leaps of surrender and still carrying on with life, crying, laughing, loving, stumbling, and having victories. 

I know that we can get through anything together because each one has a teeny torch that can light up a room full of darkness, just by being open and humble before one another. With people, purpose, and practice, Grace happens.